Californians are likely going to vote on splitting the Golden State into six different, smaller states. Well, what if this becomes a trend?! Washington needs to be prepared!

Thank heavens for us — we’ve split Washington into six states just in case this becomes an issue in the Pacific Northwest:


Greendiana, the peaceful, Evergreen-dominated territory, features the infamous Olympic National Park and literally the most Northwestern part of the United States. This region will be guarded by hungry spotted owls from the skies and will be protected by killer whales in the seas.

Capital: Makah Indian Reservation

State flower: Marijuana


Named for cities Seattle, Tacoma and Olympia, it would make sense that Seacompia would call for its own statehood. The new state capitol is Seattle (but we keep the old capitol building in Olympia for daytime bridge games and nighttime college parties).

Motto: Please stay in your bike lane

Main export: imported coffee

State song: Macklemore’s “Can’t Hold Us,” The Weather Girls “It’s Rainin’ Men”

Capitol building: That really offbeat coffee shop on 3rd and something, you probably haven’t heard of it.

South Alaska

Located just 830 miles south of Alaska, South Alaska is nestled in between Seacompia and our Maple-loving, hockey playing great healthcare-system having (see also: socialist) neighbors to the north, Canada. South Alaska would be the most dope state ever.  Think Into The Wild meets Friday Night Lights, because South Alaska is known for two things: football, and having “hecka forests.”

Motto: No, they didn’t shoot Twilight here

State bird: Bald eagle (to help keep those Canadian commies at bay)

Come for: the view

Stay for: the brew


After analyzing the population and demographics in this region, it’s only natural that the entire thing be called “Spokane.”

Motto: Yes, Gonzaga is in Spokane

State song: “Night Train To Spokane” – Gas Huffer

Nickname: The one you get to when you leave Idaho

New Vino

The southeastern corner of old Washington is known for its vineyards, so it’s no wonder the economy of New Vino thrives on the bubbly (yes people of Seacompia, we know bubbly refers to champagne and not wine. Now go back to watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix).

State motto: “I’m just having a rest”

State flag colors: White and Green. And red (but it’ll wash out).

Celebrity sightings: Dina Lohan, cast of Rock of Love


Methapotamia’s nice…(clears throat).

Main import: Children’s Benadryl

Main export: Logs

State motto:  “Stay out of my territory”


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