8 Celebrities Who Need To Retire In 2014

Justin Bieber (photo credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

Justin Bieber (photo credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

You’ve probably heard by now the “major” “news” that Justin Bieber announced his “retirement” via Twitter on Christmas Eve. Nah, we don’t believe that crap either. This is most definitely a ploy for attention (and he’s probably promoting something, but we didn’t care enough to check). Wouldn’t it be a Christmas and New Year’s miracle if it turned out to be true? He needs a break to grow up, learn to respect his fans and everyone else around him and learn the appropriate places to spit, pee, puke, etc.

So, this got us thinking here at JACK; there are a few other overexposed and just really annoying celebrities who should seriously consider retiring in 2014. Because we can’t take it anymore. Pretty please?!

Kanye West: Wouldn’t it be nice if he could just take a year (or ten) off from whining about how people aren’t praising him enough? Maybe he could concentrate on being a good dad and teach his daughter about humility. We’d like to hope there’s a chance she could grow up to be a respectable, well adjusted member of society, despite having the two most pathetically desperate, attention-hungry people on the planet as parents.

The Real Housewives of… wherever: While it would certainly be a dire loss to the plastic surgery/tv makeup/soft lighting industry, it’s time for a quick death to this out-of-control franchise. Why can’t there be a tv show about group of classy, professional women with impressive careers who support each other instead of being a pathetic caricature of obnoxious rich people (Remember the Sex and the City girls?) Probably because the people who fit that description are too classy for reality tv.

Rob Ford, Mayor of Toronto: If people around the world now only refer to you as “that crazy crack-smoking Canadian Mayor,” it’s probably best to step out of the spotlight for a bit. Especially if you have a job where people are required to take you seriously. (Although he is a politician- irony noted.)

Ryan Seacrest: He obviously loves to hear the sound of his own voice on radio, tv and everywhere else. But we’ve just grown tired of it. If American Idol could also retire, that’d be really awesome too.

Joan Rivers: Admittedly, her snarkiness is spot-on and we do love anyone who makes fun of celebrities. But seriously, she’s about 120 years old and is still trying to look 75. And it’s getting hard to decipher her facial expressions. Time to retire to a quiet life in Florida.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: As if we weren’t already fed up with him after that whole affair/secret child thing a couple years ago, he still expects us to pay money to see him in a movie. The 66-year-old had two films this year: The Last Stand and Escape Plan. Anyone heard of them? Nope, no one paid to see them either. And he’s got another one ready for release in April. Good luck with that.

Seth Rogen: Dude, you’re a dope. And Paul Rudd is way funnier.

Luke Bryan: C’mon, really? His song list reads like a frat house Twitter feed: “Drink a Beer,” “Drunk on You,” “Crash My Party,” “Buzzkill,” “Take My Drunk Ass Home,” “Beer in the Headlights,” you get the unfortunate idea…



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